How bad things can happen to good people who lack emotional intelligence

School and school system leaders are far more likely to get into difficulty because of low social and emotional intelligence than because of deficiencies in their technical knowledge. At least that’s my observation.

Here’s why they get into trouble:

• Because these leaders often have a high need to control people and situations, they are unlikely to trust others or to delegate.

• Because of a lack of trust and poor interpersonal skills, these leaders seldom have supportive relationships with others and therefore are unlikely to value the development of such relationships within the school community.

• Because these leaders don’t know how to manage or express their feelings in appropriate and proportionate ways, they are likely to be angry, anxious, and/or cynical. Those feelings, in turn, are amplified across the school community and create what some experts call a “slow-death spiral,” which depletes energy and diminishes hope for a better future.

• Because these leaders are unable to accurately sense and respond to the feelings of others, their relationships are likely to be tumultuous and superficial and viewed as means to an end rather than as worthy ends in themselves to be nurtured and valued.

• And because leaders with low social and emotional intelligence have limited self awareness, they are unlikely to see any of the above in themselves.

Do you agree, or not?

 

Why it’s important for leaders to choose the “scenic path” over the “psychopath”

I remember a cartoon that showed a hiker pondering which of two trails to take. One trail marker said “scenic path,” the other “psychopath.”

Each day school leaders are given many opportunities to choose between these two paths. Their choice not only affects the quality of their work and day, but often affects the entire school community.

The scenic path leads principals, teacher leaders, and the school community toward higher functioning and greater well-being. It offers enthusiasm, hope, and other forms of positive energy.

The psychopath slopes downward into anger, cynicism, negativity, anxiety, and other forms of negative energy. As its name implies, this path creates a slow-death spiral that over time undermines and sometimes even destroys the very soul of the school community.

When school leaders are aware of these metaphorical trail markers as they reveal themselves throughout the day and of the implications of the paths they walk, they can more consciously choose the scenic route.

And even if they unconsciously barge down the psychopath, awareness of its effects on themselves and others can lead them to more quickly notice the error of their ways and turn back to find the scenic trail.

That awareness may also lead them to apologize to those who had the misfortune of crossing their paths along the way.

Leaders on the scenic path offer hope, joy, and peace to those whose lives they touch. That’s far more than sufficient reason for all of us to pay attention to the trail markers up ahead.

10 reasons why perfectionism is not a good idea

Trying to be perfect is a heavy burden for principals and teacher leaders and a source of stress for others in the school community with whom they interact.

Here’s my list of reasons for why perfection is not a worthy goal:

1. It is impossible to be perfect;

2. Trying to be perfect is incredibly stressful;

3. Trying to be perfect  can cause us to expect perfection in others, which is incredibly stressful for them;

4. Striving for perfection can lead to paralysis;

5. Because of that paralysis, the perfect can become the enemy of the good, which means that good things may not get done;

6. Lowering one’s standards to, say, 90% can be a way of breaking through the paralysis to actions that benefit students; and

7. Many things that are good for students don’t have to be perfect to add value to their school experience.

Please add to the list: Assuming that 10 was a desirable number of reasons, I wrote the title of this post before I made the list. Then I discovered that I could come up with just seven reasons. Given that it’s okay and even desirable to be less than perfect, I’m hoping that obliging readers will offer a few more items for the list.

Taking care of the school community begins with leaders taking care of themselves

One of my responsibilities as a hospice volunteer is co-leading grief support groups.

Leaders often recommend to participants that they be intentional in caring for themselves, which, not surprisingly, is a difficult thing for grieving people to do.

Self care is also a difficult thing for many principals and teacher leaders to do because they view it as subtractive—that is, when they take care of themselves they have less time and energy to care of others.

Another way of thinking about it is that the time spent in self care adds to leaders’ ability to care for others—time spent on self care is an investment in the school community because leaders can only truly care for others when they are healthy and possess positive, zestful energy.

My favorite resource on this subject is The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy, Not Time is the Key to High-Performance and Personal Renewal by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz. “To be fully engaged,” they write, “we must be physically engaged, emotionally connected, mentally focused and spiritually aligned with a purpose beyond our immediate self-interest.”

Here are a some of the energy-giving habits they suggest:

1. Eating energy rich foods such as low-fat proteins;

2. Making sacrosanct in one’s schedule time for activities that are enjoyable, fulfilling, and affirming;

3. Connecting work to one’s deepest purposes to create a sense of making a difference; and

4. Participating in regular periods of retreat, contemplation, and meditation.

In addition to the personal benefits received and the improved care leaders can offer to others, through their example principals and teacher leaders encourage others to cultivate their own health and energy.

Questions: What do you do to take care of yourself? What activities are sacrosanct in your life?

Taking care of ourselves so that we can take care of others

Take care of yourself. Take care of others. In so many words that’s what this sign—which I’ve seen posted on local construction sites—reminds workers to do.

“Take care of yourself, take care of others” is also a way of life in schools that support the success of all students and staff members, a way of being together that improves the quality of learning and relationships in classrooms and within the school community as a whole.

Taking care of others, I am confident, was a reflexive reaction during the past week as schools across the United States and around the world grieved the students and staff members of Sandy Hook Elementary School and sought comfort with one another.

Putting others before self is a default setting for most teachers and principals, as it was at Sandy Hook. But it’s a practice that over time can have a devastating effect on one’s physical and emotional well being.

Because taking care of ourselves is ultimately a precondition for taking care of others, I hope the upcoming holiday break provides educators with abundant opportunities for physical, emotional, and spiritual renewal.

Such replenishment is essential even during the best of times. And these have not been the best of times.

Emotional intelligence can be learned

Most of us don’t even think that soft and gushy interpersonal skills are something you need to study at all, let alone something you’d study and practice with a coach. But that’s precisely what should be going on. —Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, David Maxfield, Ron McMillan, & Al Switzler (Photo: Dennis Sparks)

Leaders for Results requires a high level of emotional intelligence, a capacity that leaders with intention and practice can continuously improve throughout their careers.

In Primal Leadership: Learning to Lead With Emotional Intelligence Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee explain that leaders can develop their capacities in the four domains of Emotional Intelligence by engaging in “five discoveries”: (1) uncovering an ideal vision of yourself, (2) discovering who you really are, (3) developing an agenda for improving your abilities, (4) practicing new leadership skills, and (5) developing supportive and trusting relationships that make change possible.

To better understand the ideal self during the “first discovery” the authors suggest free writing about your life if achieved 15 years in the future—the type of activities in which you would engage in a typical day or week, your environment, and the kinds of people you’d be around.

To find your “real self” Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee recommend taking an inventory of your talents and passions. They also recommend seeking out both positive and negative feedback by processes such as “360-degree evaluation.”

The “third discovery” culminates a learning agenda with goals and action plans. The most powerful goals, the authors say, build on one’s strengths. Learning plans with clear, specific goals and concrete, practical steps yield the most improvement, they point out. The “fourth discovery” reconfigures the brain through persistent practice of desired behaviors. “[T]o master a leadership skill, you need to change the brain’s default option by breaking old habits and learning new ones, which requires an extended period of practice to create the new neural pathway and then strengthen it,” Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee write. The key to learning new habits lies in practice to the point of mastery.”

The “fifth discovery” cultivates the power of “. . . special relationships, those whose sole purpose is to help you along your path. . . .” Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee recommend the use of mentors and coaches who can exert considerable influence in shaping a leader’s abilities, particularly when the mentor or coach is one with whom you share your aspirations and learning agenda.

An example: A leader realizes his angry outbursts diminish trust and the overall quality of his professional relationships. Rather than continuing to justify his emotions (“I’m just like my dad so what am I going to do?”) he is determined to feel calm, clear thinking, and positive in the midst of conflict or other interpersonal challenges. To that end he enlists the support of a colleague who displays those qualities, and they agree to anticipate and rehearse alternative responses in conversations or meetings that may test the leader’s resolve. In addition, they brainstorm strategies the leader can use to prepare for such meetings. He agrees that during emotional situations he will consciously take a few deep, slow breaths before responding, and that afterwards will review with his colleague what he learned that might be useful in the next situation.

Strengthen your leadership practice by . . .

• describing a time when you deliberately developed a new habit that improved your daily emotional state and/or the quality of your relationships with others.

• selecting an emotional intelligence competency you would like to strengthen and creating an action plan to make it a habit. Make certain your plan has a clear, specific goal; opportunities for sufficient practice to make it a habit; and one or more people who will support you in this effort.

Leading for Results requires the development of high levels of emotional intelligence

Effective school leaders skillfully navigate a web of complex relationships each day. (Photo: Dennis Sparks)

[E]motional intelligence (EI) accounts for 85 to 90 percent of the difference between outstanding leaders and their more average peers.

—Richard Boyatzis & Annie McKee

Leaders rise and fall based on their ability to work productively with others to sustain a results-oriented focus over many months and years. Successful leaders consistently display high levels of “emotional intelligence”—that is, “how leaders handle themselves and their relationships,” as Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee explain it in Primal Leadership: Learning to Lead With Emotional Intelligence.

EI includes four domains: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. As I scanned the list of competencies that comprise the domains I saw a small number whose absence, in my experience, are the primary causes of the vast majority of serious interpersonal problems: “reading one’s own emotions and recognizing their impact”; “keeping disruptive emotions and impulses under control”; “displaying honesty and integrity”; “cultivating and maintaining a web of relationships”; “sensing others’ emotions and understanding their perspectives”; and “resolving disagreements.”

Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee explain how leaders can develop these competencies by engaging in “five discoveries”: (1) uncovering an ideal vision of yourself, (2) discovering who you really are, (3) developing an agenda for improving your abilities, (4) practicing new leadership skills, and (5) developing supportive and trusting relationships that make change possible. My next essay will elaborate on these steps.

Leading for Results “Six-Word Leadership Tool”:

Emotional Intelligence affects leaders’ ultimate success.

Strengthen your leadership practice by . . .

• scanning the competencies associated with EI’s four domains and identifying one or two which you believe cause a disproportionate share of leaders’ relationship problems. Compare the competencies you’ve selected with those I’ve suggested above.

• selecting an area you would like to strengthen by gaining clarity regarding the critical attributes of the skill and through persistent practice.

• developing a “six-word leadership tool” to summarize your learning or to express an action you will take as a result of this week’s posts. Please add your tool to the comment section of this blog and share it with one or more colleagues “back home.”