“Amor fati”

How and why did our lives take the directions they took and find the destinations they reached?

Why did we choose one job or career over another, one place to live rather than another, one marriage partner rather than another? And so on. 

As I look back over the seven-decade arc of my life, I find myself thinking more deeply about such questions from the perspective that only time can provide.

Some believe the course of our lives is written in the stars, that it is predestined or God’s will. 

Others believe that our fate is determined by chance, by random occurrences that individually or collectively alter and magnify the direction of our lives.

The first time I recall thinking seriously about this subject was when I saw the 1998 movie “Sliding Doors,” which Perplexity, an AI application, explains this way:

“The movie depicts two parallel storylines of a woman named Helen’s life based on whether she catches or misses a train.

“In one timeline, Helen gets fired from her PR job and catches the train home, where she discovers her boyfriend is cheating on her. She then meets a charming stranger named James on the train and eventually starts her own business.

“In the other timeline, Helen misses the train and remains blissfully unaware of her boyfriend’s infidelity for a time. She continues dating him and ends up working as a sandwich maker to support his writing….”

“The movie explores how a single chance event can drastically alter the course of someone’s life.”

Whichever view you take, predestined or random, our “fate” is determined, or at least significantly shaped, by powerful forces largely beyond our control that can have a large effect on our lives and through us the lives of others.

All of this brings us to “amor fati,” a phrase I recently encountered that loosely translates to love or embrace what life has given us, even if it is not what we wanted or less than others appear to have.

We are sometimes admonished to accept our fate because it is God’s will, or in secular terms, our destiny. Or we are told to resist that fate because we alone determine our futures, as in this line from “Invictus”: “I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.”

So, whichever view of fate you hold, Amor Fati reminds us that there is a benefit at some point in embracing rather than resisting that fate. (I discussed in this essay the challenge of deciding what to accept and what to resist.)

It is easier, of course, to hold that view when you don’t live in a war zone,  are not fleeing the violence and poverty that surrounds you in many countries, or have not lost a loved one to gun violence, among many other ways in which fate can be cruel.

What do you think: Are our lives randomly determined or predestined, and is it asking too much to embrace what life has given us, no matter how difficult or unfair?

Self-acceptance as a precursor to change

The more I accept myself just as I am, the more I can change. – Carl Rogers

Carl Rogers, an eminent psychologist who founded client-centered therapy, offers a paradoxical insight—that changing ourselves begins by fully accepting who we are, which he calls unconditional positive regard, and that influencing others likewise starts with accepting them as they are.

Such self-acceptance is an important aspect of the self-care that I advocated two weeks ago.

While the importance of accepting ourselves is relatively simple to understand, it is extremely challenging to do because it requires a shift in at least one important belief that many of us hold close—that is, that self-criticism motivates change. 

After all, why would we change if we felt comfortable with the status quo?

Unfortunately, I didn’t have an answer to that question, so I dug deeper into myself and what others have had to say about that subject.

Shankar Vedantam, the host of Hidden Brain, pointed to that belief in his introduction of psychologist Kristin Neff for a podcast episode on “being kind to yourself.” 

Vedantam noted Neff’s claim that self-compassion is a better path to self-improvement than self-criticism, defining self-compassion as “the practice of being kind and understanding towards ourselves, even when we make mistakes….

“Kristin had discovered something important. One reason many people avoid self-compassion is that they think being harsh with themselves is the only way to improve….”

In the interview with Vedantam, Neff observes, “The belief that we need to be hard on ourselves, criticize ourselves to succeed or reach your goals or make a change is actually the number one block to self-compassion we found in the research. People are afraid that if they’re kind to themselves, they just won’t get anything done….”

In addition to the paradox of self-acceptance preceding change, another, according to Neff, is that “…the vast majority of people say they’re significantly more compassionate and understanding and kinder to other people than they are to themselves. Especially when they make a mistake or fail in some way….

“One of the first practices we teach people for being self-compassionate is to imagine that a good friend they cared about was in the same situation that they are. Because naturally, especially our close friends, the ones we care about, we tend to be compassionate to them.”

Applying this understanding in our relationships requires developing an understanding of and genuine compassion for the experiences of others and being able to demonstrate that positive regard in a way that is felt by that individual.

My challenge during this election season is being tolerant of people whose views I consider dishonest and dangerous, especially when those views are based on willful ignorance.

So, staying on the “scenic path” during this election season begins with me accepting my intolerance and recognizing that I can have positive regard for someone while rejecting their views.

That unconditional positive regard acknowledges the profound influence that families, peer groups, and communities have on our beliefs and whose gravitational pull is very difficult for many to resist. Given the conservative religious and political views of the area in which I grew up, I want to remember that if it were not for college and other experiences that broadened my worldview, I might well believe those same things. And having experienced being an outlier in my family and community, I understand why it is sometimes easier to “go along to get along.”

A primary reason for the topics I have written about in recent months is to remind myself of the understanding and skills necessary for me to stay on the “scenic path” during the political and cultural turmoil of the months ahead.

I can improve my ability to seek first to understand, practice self-care (especially savoring and experiencing awe), choose compassion over judgment, and cultivate discernment about what to accept and to resist.

I know that I have a long way to go, but I believe I can make progress if I recognize my influence over both the content and emotional tone of the conversations in which I participate.  

And that may be “all” that is necessary to both preserve relationships that are important to me and perhaps occasionally nudge me and others in the direction of openness to ideas we currently reject.

What success have you had in developing compassion for others whose views are significantly opposed to your own?

Bringing our best selves to the challenges we face

I am afraid.

I am afraid of rising authoritarianism and the slow erosion of American democracy. 

I am afraid that we are responding too little and too late to the climate crisis even though some of its consequences are already upon us. 

And I am afraid that the intersection of those two problems will make it even more difficult for governments to work together to address these and other pressing issues.

I have done things in the last few years to dial down my fear, like ending my subscription to cable news that is designed to attract my attention rather than inform me, and spending only enough time on other news sources stay aware of what is going on in the world. 

It is easy to feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of these challenges, combined with many other seemingly intractable problems, and to succumb to despair.

But if solutions are to be found they will require that we individually and collectively bring our best selves to their solutions wherever we are in our careers or life spans, especially when strong social forces are pushing us toward distrust and division. 

Our best selves will have to create and sustain the political will to solve these problems. 

Our best selves will have to identify and address the powerful, often invisible systemic forces that undermine our political system and culture, some of which have been present in the United States since its earliest days. 

Our best selves will be required to thwart the worst effects of the catastrophic climate crisis, which in turn will require a vibrant democracy that may be slipping away from us. 

Perhaps the greatest challenge of all will be each of us engaging with those we consider misinformed, if not evil, in ways that enable them to bring their best selves to the complex solutions that the problems demand.

I don’t have answers, but I am on the lookout for ideas to address these problems, among others, that I will share in the weeks and months ahead, hoping in turn to hear your best thinking regarding these and other issues.

Bridging the knowing-doing gap

Many of us know more about being resilient, and lots of other things that would strengthen us, than we practice in our daily lives, a phenomenon known as the knowing-doing gap, a divide that sometimes can feel like a chasm.

I continued a “conversation” I began last week with ChatGPT on resilience by inquiring about ways to bridge this gap. It is edited for length and clarity, mostly to make me sound as smart as Chat.

C: Bridging the knowing-doing gap, especially when it comes to resilience, can indeed be a significant challenge. Here are some strategies that can help you bridge that gap effectively:

Awareness and Mindfulness: Begin by cultivating awareness of your own behaviors and patterns. Mindfulness practices can help you observe your thoughts, feelings, and actions without judgment, enabling you to recognize when you’re not putting your knowledge into practice.

Goal Setting: Set specific, achievable goals related to building resilience. This could include daily or weekly targets for activities that foster resilience, such as exercise, meditation, or maintaining social connections.

Regular Practice and Routine: Integrate resilience-building activities into your daily or weekly routine. Consistency is key to turning knowledge into action. Set specific times for activities like exercise, self-reflection, or spending time with loved ones.

Accountability and Support: Share your goals with someone you trust, whether it’s a friend, family member, or mentor. Having someone to hold you accountable and provide support can make a significant difference in staying committed to your resilience-building practices.

Education and Training: Consider participating in workshops, courses, or training sessions focused on building resilience. Learning from experts and engaging in interactive sessions can provide you with practical tools and strategies to apply in your daily life.

Reflection and Adaptation: Take time to reflect on your progress regularly. Assess what’s working and what’s not, and be willing to adapt your approach accordingly. Being open to adjusting your strategies can help you stay on track and overcome any obstacles you encounter.

Positive Reinforcement: Celebrate your successes, no matter how small they may seem. Recognize and reward yourself for the progress you make in practicing resilience. Positive reinforcement can reinforce the habit and motivate you to continue your efforts.

Resilience-Building Communities: Joining communities or groups focused on resilience can provide you with a support network of like-minded individuals. Engaging with others who are also working on building resilience can offer encouragement, motivation, and valuable insights.

By incorporating these strategies into your life, you can begin to bridge the gap between knowing about resilience and actively practicing it in your daily life. Remember that building resilience is a journey, and it’s essential to be patient and kind to yourself along the way.

D: I’m reminded of a book I read many years ago, Change or Die, by Alan Deutschman, that describes the challenges of personal and organizational change and how they can be addressed. It made a strong impression on me, although I regret to say that at the moment I can’t recall the details. What can you tell me about the book’s contents?

C: Change or Die: The Three Keys to Change at Work and in Life by Alan Deutschman is a book that delves into the idea that people can change their behavior even under the most difficult circumstances. 

Deutschman emphasizes the significance of three key factors—Relate, Repeat, and Reframe—in enabling individuals to successfully adopt new behaviors. These principles are geared towards fostering personal transformation and overcoming challenges through the power of community, practice, and mindset reframing.

D: I basically understand these ideas, but not fully, so I would appreciate an elaboration on them.

C: Certainly:

1. Relate: This factor emphasizes the importance of a supportive community or a network of people who share similar goals. Having a sense of connection and support from others can significantly impact an individual’s ability to initiate and sustain positive change.

2. Repeat: This factor underscores the significance of consistent practice and repetition in the transformation process. By engaging in repeated actions and behaviors aligned with the desired change, individuals can reinforce new habits and gradually solidify lasting behavioral adjustments.

3. Reframe: This factor focuses on the power of changing one’s perspective and mindset. By adopting a new way of thinking about challenges and opportunities, individuals can alter their perceptions and interpretations of their circumstances, ultimately facilitating transformative change.

This question is directed to you, my readers, rather than ChatGPT: What, if anything, in the above, is helpful to you in bridging your own knowing–doing gaps, whether you have chosen the challenges or life has given them to you?

I will be taking a break until January. In the meantime, I wish you Happy Holidays and a wonderful New Year.

Packing our own ‘chutes

Last week I wrote about some of the inevitable changes that we encounter on the downside of the “arc of life,” changes that can negatively affect our health, independence, and relationships with others.

But we can counter those influences by employing what I think of as “parachutes” that slow the descent and soften the landing.

One of those countervailing forces is how we think about time.

During our formative decades and well into middle age we often make plans that extend for decades into the future. Because time seems boundless, we may put off  important responsibilities to what seems like a limitless future.

But as we age, our long-range plans shrink to just a few years or even months. I recently joked (sort of) with a roofing company representative that a 30-year guarantee on the shingles for my home seemed unnecessary. 

A change in time horizons gives us permission to live more fully in the present, to savor, and to feel increasing gratitude for the simple pleasures that may have previously passed unnoticed. 

We also can slow our descent by maintaining the life-sustaining habits and routines we developed earlier in our lives or by initiating new ones.

For some, that may involve nurturing connections with family and friends. For others, it may mean healthy eating and regular exercise to stave off physical and cognitive decline. 

Older adults often report increased wisdom and contentment, a form of resilience that arises from navigating life’s inevitable challenges.

Perhaps because of that wisdom and contentment, they also report a stronger desire to give back, whether that is through volunteering, mentoring, or spending time with grandchildren.

But mindfulness, gratitude, deeper connections with others, healthy habits, and increased wisdom and contentment are not inevitable.

Like most important things, they require cultivation and sustained effort. 

That, in turn, requires a conscious commitment to learning from our experiences and to putting those lessons into practice.

Fortunately, the techniques for such learning are consistent no matter our age: reflecting on our experiences through conversation or writing to extract insights from them, listening carefully to others to gain perspective, using that listening as a springboard to empathy and deeper connection, seeking guidance from both our elders and contemporaries, and by practicing compassion and care for self and others. 

Having said all that, it is important to remember that all of the above are affected by poverty, race, gender, and the availability of healthcare, among other factors. Not everyone has the same degree of agency to affect the trajectory of their own lives.

What have you learned from your experiences and those of others about the practices and habits that can sustain us no matter our age through life’s inevitable changes and challenges?

The arc of life

ep·i·logue: noun: a section or speech at the end of a book or play that serves as a comment on or a conclusion to what has happened.

It seems not so long ago since I was in the first act. Now the epilogue has already started. —Henning Mankell, Italian Shoes

Over the decades I have used several metaphors to explain the passage of time in my life – stages, chapters, or a journey. 

On the cusp of my 77th birthday I think differently about time than I did on my 22nd birthday or 44th or even 66th. And it is almost certain that my thinking will be different at age 88, should I reach it and be of sound mind, assuming that I now am.

My metaphor now is an accordion which makes music as it expands and contracts, both of which are essential to the “song” that is our lives.

At birth, our world immediately begins to expand. Nurses and doctors, parents and siblings are followed by grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. 

Our world becomes larger as we learn to walk, talk, read, and write. We attend school and get jobs. We acquire friends, co-workers, and neighbors.  

We may marry and have children and grandchildren. 

We travel. 

We volunteer in our communities.

And then, for most of us, after many decades of expansion, our worlds slowly begin to contract. 

We may leave our work behind and become free from its obligations.

We may stray less from home as various debilities affect our mobility and safety.

We may leave our familiar homes and neighborhoods to live with family members or in specialized facilities. 

We may have less enthusiasm for things that once interested us.

We may become seriously ill, and doctors predict that the end is near. They encourage us to “get our affairs in order.”

Our world shrinks to doctor visits, hospice nurses, and our closest loved ones. 

While those things are not yet true for me, I know that sooner or later they will be.

I have come to believe that while our earlier years shaped who we became and created the web of family and social relationships that we inhabit, the time I have spent with those whose lives are contracting and in hospice care has underscored the possibility of learning and growth throughout life.

The unique perspective offered during this final phase of life helps many of us discover a broader sense of purpose and meaning. 

We formally or informally write our epilogues, seeking confirmation that our lives mattered. 

We acknowledge the people and events that shaped us. 

We repair relationships when we can. 

We may want to be truly known by family members and friends. We tell stories about our lives and perhaps write memoirs.

These are the gifts that those of us much nearer the end of our lives than the beginning give ourselves and our loved ones, gifts that often resonate across generations. 

No matter your stage of life, how do you think about the passage of time, and what have you learned about that passage?

Should professional learning have a code of ethics?

Because I view professional learning as both an ethical and professional responsibility, in preparation for NSDC’s (now Learning Forward) 2004 annual conference in Philadelphia, I set out with others to frame a professional development code of ethics using the Declaration of Independence as a template to create a document that participants could sign.

The overarching goal was to strengthen the moral dimension of Learning Forward‘s  Standards for Professional Development.

Something recently prompted my memory of that, so I asked ChatGTP to write an ethical code for professional development in the style of the U. S. Declaration of Independence, which it took about five seconds to do.

Here is its lightly-edited response:

When in the course of professional development, it becomes necessary for individuals to establish ethical standards, it is imperative to declare the principles that shall guide their noble pursuits.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that professional growth and integrity are essential for the betterment of oneself and society. Accordingly, we set forth the following ethical standards:

1. Equality and Fairness: We affirm that all individuals, regardless of their background, should be treated with equality, fairness, and respect. Discrimination based on race, color, religion, gender, sexual orientation, age, disability, or any other characteristic shall not be tolerated.

2. Integrity and Honesty: We pledge to uphold the highest standards of integrity and honesty in our professional endeavors. We shall act truthfully, responsibly, and transparently, fostering trust and credibility in our interactions.

3. Professional Competence: We recognize the importance of continuous learning and professional growth. We shall strive to acquire and maintain the knowledge, skills, and abilities necessary to perform our duties competently and effectively.

4. Collaboration and Collegiality: We shall foster an environment of collaboration, cooperation, and collegiality. We shall respect diverse perspectives, engage in constructive dialogue, and promote a supportive atmosphere that encourages the sharing of ideas and knowledge.

5. Social Responsibility: We acknowledge our role as professionals within society and recognize the impact our actions may have on others. We shall strive to contribute positively to our communities, promoting ethical practices, sustainability, and social justice.

6. Accountability and Professional Conduct: We accept personal accountability for our actions and shall adhere to the highest standards of professional conduct. We shall not engage in unethical behavior, including but not limited to plagiarism, dishonesty, conflicts of interest, or any action that may harm others or bring disrepute to our profession.

We, therefore, mutually pledge to uphold these ethical standards, knowing that they serve as a foundation for our professional development and the betterment of society. With unwavering commitment and dedication, we shall strive to exemplify these principles and inspire others to do the same.

In witness thereof, we affix our names and commit ourselves to the pursuit of professional development guided by these ethical standards.

No doubt this draft could be improved by a group of professional development leaders committed to high-quality professional learning in their school, school system, state, or province. 

The process of doing so would not only deepen participants’ understanding of these principles, but, in addition, introduce an explicit moral purpose into professional development planning and implementation.

How would you modify this code, if at all? 

The influence of our tribes

Everyone belongs to a tribe and underestimates how influential that tribe is on their thinking. —Morgan Housel

Most of us see ourselves as independent thinkers who are unswayed by popular opinion. Our views, we think, are the result of open-mindedness, evidence, and rationality.

But, to a large extent, our political and religious affiliations and even our neighborhoods influence our views on many important subjects. 

As but on example, “associative mating” explains why we often marry people we meet in college, at our workplaces, and in other settings where we are likely to find others with similar educational backgrounds and socio-economic status. 

Quite simply, we are attracted to people in marriage and life who are like us.

And, in turn, we are influenced in visible and sometimes invisible ways by those we spend the most time with, whether that is our friends, family groups, work colleagues, or virtually through social media and cable TV.

But we can minimize the influence of our tribes by reaching out beyond them to broaden our worlds and even affect the lives of others.

It’s natural to want to spend time with people who are like us,” Shankar Vedantam explains on his “Hidden Brain” podcast. “It doesn’t make you a bad person to join a book club or a birdwatching group and find others who share the same interests, backgrounds, and temperaments. But this very human impulse magnified on the scale of a nation has the propensity to create sealed economic caste systems where it becomes very hard for people who are poor to change the trajectory of their lives. When we reach out to form connections with people in different economic stations, it has the potential to transform our lives, their lives, and the lives of strangers in the far future.”

In what ways have you been able to extend your experiences beyond your tribes for your benefit and that of others?

Overcoming decision fatigue

Essentially, when you make fewer decisions during the day, even seemingly easy ones like what to wear, your brain can devote more mental energy to important tasks…. —Jessica Poitevien

I have watched people agonize over modest decisions as well as big ones.

In addition, sometimes the pain is compounded when they regularly revisit decisions they have already agonizingly made.

All of the above can contribute to decision fatigue and stress.

A way to minimize or even eliminate that fatigue is through the use of “fundamental choices” or “one decisions” that can significantly reduce the number of decisions we make, which in turn can increase our focus on the things that are most important to us.

I thought about that when I read an article that explained the benefits of wearing essentially the same outfit every day, as Jessica Poitevien explained above.

The same benefit can result from other routines. For example, when possible, deciding to exercise at the same time and in the same place every day eliminates the need to revisit that decision on a daily basis. Making a decision to eliminate sugar from one’s diet means that it doesn’t have to be internally debated every time, say, a desert is offered or available.

I have no scholarly evidence to back this assertion, but I suspect that resilient people marshal their time and energy to focus on a small number of things that matter most to them. 

Are there aspects of your life in which “fundamental choices” would enable you to  focus more attention on decisions in areas that are most important to you?

The demands of teaching

I often think about teaching, especially my early years and what it would be like to teach today.

Some things are obviously different now – the ever-present danger of gun violence exacerbated by active shooter training for both students and staff, the mental health challenges of students spread by social media and pandemic isolation, and the intrusion of the culture wars into classrooms, as but three examples.

But I have also thought about ways in which the fundamentals of teaching have remained the same across the decades.

Because teaching has always been cognitively and physically demanding, it has always taken a particular kind of resilience to stay the course of a career in public education, whether it is in the classroom or administrative office. That has never been truer than today, at least in my lifetime.

Teaching is a profession that many think they understand because they were students for many years. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that the processes and challenges of teaching are generally understood and appreciated.

Teaching is widely viewed as performance, like an actor on a stage, but effective teaching is as much a way of thinking as it is a set of practices, with the practices that improve student learning determined by that thinking.

Teaching is a complex set of cognitive skills that among other things:

• anticipates and prevents problems,

• identifies and solves problems,

• designs units of study and lesson plans,

• analyzes and synthesizes various types of data to monitor student learning, and 

• “reads”  students’ individual and collective understanding and moods through their verbal and nonverbal behavior and intervenes appropriately when necessary, a process that requires dozens of real-time decisions a day.

In my experience, it is essential that meaningful improvement efforts—whether they are self-directed or involve supervision, professional development, and/or professional learning communities—strengthen teachers’ decision-making and other cognitive abilities and increase their resilience in the face of the inevitable daily if not hourly challenges they face.

What is your experience with conversations and other activities that deepen teachers’ thinking about their complex work and spread effective practices?