Self-acceptance as a precursor to change

The more I accept myself just as I am, the more I can change. – Carl Rogers

Carl Rogers, an eminent psychologist who founded client-centered therapy, offers a paradoxical insight—that changing ourselves begins by fully accepting who we are, which he calls unconditional positive regard, and that influencing others likewise starts with accepting them as they are.

Such self-acceptance is an important aspect of the self-care that I advocated two weeks ago.

While the importance of accepting ourselves is relatively simple to understand, it is extremely challenging to do because it requires a shift in at least one important belief that many of us hold close—that is, that self-criticism motivates change. 

After all, why would we change if we felt comfortable with the status quo?

Unfortunately, I didn’t have an answer to that question, so I dug deeper into myself and what others have had to say about that subject.

Shankar Vedantam, the host of Hidden Brain, pointed to that belief in his introduction of psychologist Kristin Neff for a podcast episode on “being kind to yourself.” 

Vedantam noted Neff’s claim that self-compassion is a better path to self-improvement than self-criticism, defining self-compassion as “the practice of being kind and understanding towards ourselves, even when we make mistakes….

“Kristin had discovered something important. One reason many people avoid self-compassion is that they think being harsh with themselves is the only way to improve….”

In the interview with Vedantam, Neff observes, “The belief that we need to be hard on ourselves, criticize ourselves to succeed or reach your goals or make a change is actually the number one block to self-compassion we found in the research. People are afraid that if they’re kind to themselves, they just won’t get anything done….”

In addition to the paradox of self-acceptance preceding change, another, according to Neff, is that “…the vast majority of people say they’re significantly more compassionate and understanding and kinder to other people than they are to themselves. Especially when they make a mistake or fail in some way….

“One of the first practices we teach people for being self-compassionate is to imagine that a good friend they cared about was in the same situation that they are. Because naturally, especially our close friends, the ones we care about, we tend to be compassionate to them.”

Applying this understanding in our relationships requires developing an understanding of and genuine compassion for the experiences of others and being able to demonstrate that positive regard in a way that is felt by that individual.

My challenge during this election season is being tolerant of people whose views I consider dishonest and dangerous, especially when those views are based on willful ignorance.

So, staying on the “scenic path” during this election season begins with me accepting my intolerance and recognizing that I can have positive regard for someone while rejecting their views.

That unconditional positive regard acknowledges the profound influence that families, peer groups, and communities have on our beliefs and whose gravitational pull is very difficult for many to resist. Given the conservative religious and political views of the area in which I grew up, I want to remember that if it were not for college and other experiences that broadened my worldview, I might well believe those same things. And having experienced being an outlier in my family and community, I understand why it is sometimes easier to “go along to get along.”

A primary reason for the topics I have written about in recent months is to remind myself of the understanding and skills necessary for me to stay on the “scenic path” during the political and cultural turmoil of the months ahead.

I can improve my ability to seek first to understand, practice self-care (especially savoring and experiencing awe), choose compassion over judgment, and cultivate discernment about what to accept and to resist.

I know that I have a long way to go, but I believe I can make progress if I recognize my influence over both the content and emotional tone of the conversations in which I participate.  

And that may be “all” that is necessary to both preserve relationships that are important to me and perhaps occasionally nudge me and others in the direction of openness to ideas we currently reject.

What success have you had in developing compassion for others whose views are significantly opposed to your own?

The fundamental building blocks of trust and interpersonal learning

Of the many important things that Stephen Covey taught me, two things in particular have stayed with me over the decades, ideas that recently I have begun to see as more powerful when connected.

The first is “seek first to understand, then to be understood,” which means our views are more likely to be listened to and understood when others feel listened to and understood, an increasingly rare quality in today’s political and cultural moment.

The second idea is “being loyal to people who are absent,” or putting it in my own words, “don’t talk in harmful ways about people who aren’t present,” particularly if we would not say those things in face-to-face conversations. This practice honors those who can’t speak for themselves at that moment, demonstrates integrity, and in many situations is a character-defining attribute.

When used together, these practices build trust, strengthen relationships, and create a willingness to learn about ourselves and others that opens the door to mutual influence. 

How do you apply one or both of these practices in your life, and what challenges do you face in doing so?

Self-care is not selfish

For the past few weeks, I have written about things we can do to preserve our well-being when cultural turmoil and the threat of political violence are added to the normal stressors of life.

We have considered savoring large and small moments throughout the day, experiencing awe, cultivating compassion, “illuminating” others rather than “diminishing,” and practicing discernment regarding things we will accept and those we will resist.

To that list, we could add stress management strategies such as eating a healthy diet, regular exercise, prayer, mindfulness practices, journal writing, and seeking the support of family and friends, among many others.

At their heart, all these methods promote self-care during these difficult times.

Making such a list is easy. Implementing it is more difficult because it may require learning new routines and habits and, most challenging of all, acquiring new beliefs. 

Recently I thought about the power of beliefs related to self-care as I reflected on hospice grief support groups I helped facilitate. 

Each week participants were asked to do homework assignments related to some aspect of self-care. To prepare them for the homework the group brainstormed possible methods of self-care, with some participants unable to make any suggestions. Ideas included getting sufficient sleep, taking short walks, and spending even a brief amount of time in nature, among many more examples.

Inevitably, the following week many participants would report difficulty in following through on their goals, perhaps because their grief made it difficult to do many things that had previously been easier.

But another significant reason for that difficulty is that many of us are more comfortable caring for others than for ourselves, in part because we believe that self-care is indulgent, if not selfish. 

We may ask, Who are we to prioritize ourselves over others?

As a result, we have little experience with self-care to draw on when we need it the most.

What methods of self-care do you regularly practice, and which methods would you like to acquire?

Illuminate

Most of us have been in the presence of someone who helps us feel more resourceful and capable. We probably have also been in the presence of those who make us feel just the opposite. 

In a New York Times essay, David Brooks contrasted those two types of people, labeling them “illuminators” and “diminishers.”

One of the ways we can make our small part of the world a better place during difficult times is to illuminate rather than diminish. 

Brooks describes illuminators this way: “Illuminators… have been trained or have trained themselves in the craft of understanding others. They know how to ask the right questions at the right times — so that they can see things, at least a bit, from another’s point of view. They shine the brightness of their care on people and make them feel bigger, respected, lit up. Illuminators are a joy to be around.”

Illuminators are careful listeners, empathetic, and support us in being our best selves. We feel the warmth of their full attention. In their presence, we are inclined to think and talk more deeply about ourselves and learn things that promote our growth.

On the other hand, according to Brooks, diminishes are self-centered and judgmental. In their presence, we feel “less than.” 

Laura Konigsberg, head of Turning Point School, says we can develop children’s and our own “illuminator” mindsets by:

• Radiating warmth and giving people our deep attention,

• Accompanying others by delighting in their ways of being” by slowing down and favoring lingering over efficiency,

• And asking questions that demonstrate interest (and that de-center you) and listening “loudly.”

One of the most powerful ways to ease the stress of political turmoil is to bring our best illuminator selves to social interactions with others, whatever their politics – which means listening carefully to understand while minimizing judgment.

Who have been illuminators in your life? What qualities did they bring to their relationship with you? What habit could you develop or strengthen to be a more effective illuminator in the lives of others?

Experiencing “awe”

“Awe is what we feel when we encounter something vast, wondrous or beyond our ordinary frame of reference. It evokes a sense of mystery and wonder. And, given its documented benefits, awe might be our most overlooked, undervalued emotion.” — Dacher Keltner

How do we stay on the scenic path when the things that divert us to the psycho path are likely to increase and intensify in the months ahead?

Last week I wrote about the emotional benefits of savoring, that is, paying attention in the present moment to what we are experiencing.

An often unrecognized opportunity for savoring is when we are deeply moved by aspects of the world that are larger and more powerful than ourselves, an experience known as awe. 

Most of us have known that feeling when staring into the vastness of the night sky or seeing a child’s face light up when they first understand something new, as but two examples. 

According to Keltner and others, we can intentionally stimulate a sense of awe by having unstructured experiences, slowing down, being curious rather than judgmental, and noticing the goodness of others.

One of my dependable sources of awe dates back to my teenage years when I developed an appreciation for the pre-dawn hours of the day as I delivered the morning newspaper. 

When, much later, I read Anne Morrow Lindbergh‘s Gift from the Sea, I resonated to her term “dawn‘s simplicities,” which captured my experience as I heard nature awakening and the emerging light revealed the previously invisible details of my surroundings.

Those early hours remain a tranquil time for me, with the silence only broken by an occasional passing car, a dog barking, or the muted sound of a nearby cyclist, jogger, or dog walker.

Do you have awe-inspiring experiences from earlier times that have stayed with you and enriched your life?

Intentional savoring

I find myself occasionally pausing over an experience to fully take it in. While I don’t do that as often as I might, that savoring, however brief, enriches my life.

My awareness of those moments caused me to think about the things I can control and those that are outside my circle of influence. 

While I will have an infinitesimal effect on who the next president of the United States will be and the composition of Congress, those outcomes will be of major consequence for the future of the United States and the world.

Nonetheless, I can have a significant influence on whether I walk the scenic path or take the psycho path in the months ahead and beyond. And I am confident that taking the psycho path will benefit no one, neither me nor others, now or in the future.

So it is essential that I pay attention to the small number of activities that are the source of most of the joy I experience in my daily life. While the experiences may vary somewhat, they are usually few in number and modest in size. 

At least that is true for me.

The smell of coffee brewing early in the morning, a well-turned phrase that I read or hear, music that touches something deep inside me, the sound of children playing in a park, and the sights and sounds of nature on my daily walks are but a few examples.

One of the best ways I know to extend the impact of such moments is by intentionally savoring them. 

A “Hidden Brain” podcast episode, “You 2.0: Make the Good Times Last,” defined savoring as “being mindful and present in the moment, and actively engaging with positive experiences to prolong and intensify the pleasure they bring.”

Savoring is a form of mindfulness, that is paying close attention in the present moment to our thoughts, feelings, and the sights and sounds of our surroundings. 

I asked Perplexity AI to suggest techniques I could use to promote savoring.  

It suggested something I had not previously considered: providing a voice-over to the scenes we are experiencing to activate awareness by heightening our senses. 

In addition to paying attention to the present moment, Perplexity also recommended a form of mental time travel, that is, savoring the past through reminiscing and the future by anticipating positive experiences. It also suggested savoring the joy experienced by others, something I also had not previously considered. 

These suggestions reminded me of an adage I heard many years ago: “To live well is to live three times: the first in anticipation, the second in the experience itself, and the third in our memories.”

Perplexity concluded: “Savoring helps to counteract our negativity bias by making positive experiences ‘stickier.’ When we pause to notice life’s day-to-day pleasures, we give them weight and are more likely to store them in our long-term memory. Over time, savoring can help rewire our brains to be less sensitive to negativity and more positive.”

What do you savor, and by what means do you promote that savoring?

Staying on the “scenic path”

Effective leaders, in my view, have high emotional intelligence (EI), which includes sufficient self-awareness to assemble a team around them composed of individuals with complimentary EI strengths to compensate for areas in which the leaders are lacking.

This leads to an important leadership issue: Does resilience of the kind required now to save American democracy require emotional intelligence on the part of its leaders and citizens?

My answer is that while EI may be necessary for leaders and leadership teams, it is not sufficient. Leaders’ goals and values matter. 

Likewise, high EI on the part of U. S. citizenry itself will not be sufficient to save democracy, but it will be necessary to keep us individually on the “scenic path” to better apply our individual and collective strengths to address this challenge rather than diverting us to the disabling “psycho path.” 

Historically, some of the most powerful and destructive world leaders fueled anger and fear among followers and detractors alike. Put another way, they knew what they wanted and were willing to do whatever was necessary to get it.

It is not necessary to look beyond current headlines to see leaders who desire to sow chaos in many forms for their benefit and the benefit of others like them.

Closer up, I have observed school and school system leaders who were controlling, angry, and managed by instilling fear. And yet, they seemed to please their bosses, often inexplicably receiving promotions and pay raises.

So, if effective leadership is defined as gaining and holding power, then EI is not essential. 

On the other hand, if leaders are determined to create rather than destroy by building a strong sense of “we” rather than “me,” cultivating and manifesting EI in themselves and others will be at the core of their work.

Such leaders will be skillful in managing their emotions, building strong relationships through empathy and respectful communication, inspiring followers with positive emotions, managing conflict productively, and consistently acting with integrity, especially in telling the truth and following through on commitments.

Political leaders’ values and goals matter, as well as their skillfulness in achieving them, with preserving and strengthening democracy among the highest of their priorities. 

And because we have much more influence over ourselves than we do over who is elected President and the functioning of Congress, EI will prove most important to us individually as we seek to bring positive emotions to all aspects of our lives, the personal as well as the political.

What will you do to stay on the scenic path in the months and perhaps years ahead, assuming that that is your goal?

Can authoritarians change their views?

Last week I wrote about my fears regarding rising authoritarianism and the climate crisis, with the first interfering with our ability to solve the second. Unless authoritarianism is addressed, the  looming climate catastrophe will advance at an even more rapid rate.

Many political leaders in this election cycle are described as “authoritarian.” 

You don’t have to be a scholar of the subject to see that those individuals demand strict obedience, punish those they regard as disloyal, and resist being bound by laws and societal norms. 

While I didn’t initially know this, I discovered that they are often first elected to office, but then rig the government to perpetually stay in power. 

It is a mystery to me why anyone would be attracted to such leaders, especially in a country initially formed because it didn’t wish to be governed by a king. 

I have three questions about rising authoritarianism in this country:

What percentage of the American public is authoritarian and, as a result, drawn to “strongmen” leaders?

How did they get that way?

And can they unlearn that way of thinking?

A Washington Post article published last November answers the first of those questions.

The Post analysis offers a broad, simple explanation for why authoritarian candidates for public office are so popular: 

“For many Americans, a turn toward authoritarianism isn’t seen as a negative. Many Americans support that idea.

“Last month, PRRI released the results of its annual American Values Survey. The pollsters asked respondents a slew of questions measuring their views of the country and its politics in the moment. Included among the questions was one that specifically addressed the question of authoritarianism: Did they think that things in the U.S. had gone so far off track that we need a leader who would break rules in order to fix the country’s direction?

“About 2 in 5 respondents said they did. That included nearly half of Republicans.

“The survey also found that “approximately 18 percent of Americans are highly disposed to authoritarianism.”

Those numbers are both very revealing and very scary.

As I thought about it, the answer to the second question seemed straightforward: They acquired their authoritarian views through the teaching or example of authority figures and/or absorbed it from the culture that surrounds them. It is not genetic.

Strict and rigid families, of course, are a primary source of that learning, but children may also acquire obedience to authority figures and black-and-white thinking, with no room for ambiguity, from religious institutions, friends, and the “news” sources that reinforce authoritarian views.

The third question, whether and how those views can be changed, led me to Pi, an AI source I have learned to trust, although I often verify what it says if the subject is important and unfamiliar to me. 

Pi had this to say:

“Yes, people with an authoritarian personality can absolutely learn to become less authoritarian. This involves a process of self-reflection and challenging long-held beliefs and behaviors, but it’s possible.”

Pi suggests cognitive behavioral therapy to alter thinking and behavior, experiencing diverse viewpoints and cultures, and “engaging in open, non-judgmental dialogue with people who have different views.”

Finding Pi’s answer less than satisfactory, I observed: “It appears that people would have to be exceptionally motivated to remedy their authoritarian inclinations.”

Pi’s response:

“Definitely, it takes a lot of motivation and self-awareness to overcome ingrained behaviors and beliefs, particularly those that are heavily ingrained from childhood. It requires being open to new information and perspectives, as well as the willingness to challenge one’s own biases and prejudices. It also often involves overcoming psychological defense mechanisms like denial, rationalization, and projection. 

“In a nutshell, becoming less authoritarian isn’t a walk in the park, but it is doable for those who are willing to do the work!”

So, to summarize the answers to these questions: A significant minority of Americans are authoritarian or lean towards it, they learn it from the people and institutions that surround them, and they can change, although given the motivation and sustained effort required, it’s not likely that a large segment of those who responded affirmatively to the Post questions cited above will do so. 

I likely have missed an important part of the authoritarian puzzle, so if you have any thoughts, please share them.

Bringing our best selves to the challenges we face

I am afraid.

I am afraid of rising authoritarianism and the slow erosion of American democracy. 

I am afraid that we are responding too little and too late to the climate crisis even though some of its consequences are already upon us. 

And I am afraid that the intersection of those two problems will make it even more difficult for governments to work together to address these and other pressing issues.

I have done things in the last few years to dial down my fear, like ending my subscription to cable news that is designed to attract my attention rather than inform me, and spending only enough time on other news sources stay aware of what is going on in the world. 

It is easy to feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of these challenges, combined with many other seemingly intractable problems, and to succumb to despair.

But if solutions are to be found they will require that we individually and collectively bring our best selves to their solutions wherever we are in our careers or life spans, especially when strong social forces are pushing us toward distrust and division. 

Our best selves will have to create and sustain the political will to solve these problems. 

Our best selves will have to identify and address the powerful, often invisible systemic forces that undermine our political system and culture, some of which have been present in the United States since its earliest days. 

Our best selves will be required to thwart the worst effects of the catastrophic climate crisis, which in turn will require a vibrant democracy that may be slipping away from us. 

Perhaps the greatest challenge of all will be each of us engaging with those we consider misinformed, if not evil, in ways that enable them to bring their best selves to the complex solutions that the problems demand.

I don’t have answers, but I am on the lookout for ideas to address these problems, among others, that I will share in the weeks and months ahead, hoping in turn to hear your best thinking regarding these and other issues.

Bridging the knowing-doing gap

Many of us know more about being resilient, and lots of other things that would strengthen us, than we practice in our daily lives, a phenomenon known as the knowing-doing gap, a divide that sometimes can feel like a chasm.

I continued a “conversation” I began last week with ChatGPT on resilience by inquiring about ways to bridge this gap. It is edited for length and clarity, mostly to make me sound as smart as Chat.

C: Bridging the knowing-doing gap, especially when it comes to resilience, can indeed be a significant challenge. Here are some strategies that can help you bridge that gap effectively:

Awareness and Mindfulness: Begin by cultivating awareness of your own behaviors and patterns. Mindfulness practices can help you observe your thoughts, feelings, and actions without judgment, enabling you to recognize when you’re not putting your knowledge into practice.

Goal Setting: Set specific, achievable goals related to building resilience. This could include daily or weekly targets for activities that foster resilience, such as exercise, meditation, or maintaining social connections.

Regular Practice and Routine: Integrate resilience-building activities into your daily or weekly routine. Consistency is key to turning knowledge into action. Set specific times for activities like exercise, self-reflection, or spending time with loved ones.

Accountability and Support: Share your goals with someone you trust, whether it’s a friend, family member, or mentor. Having someone to hold you accountable and provide support can make a significant difference in staying committed to your resilience-building practices.

Education and Training: Consider participating in workshops, courses, or training sessions focused on building resilience. Learning from experts and engaging in interactive sessions can provide you with practical tools and strategies to apply in your daily life.

Reflection and Adaptation: Take time to reflect on your progress regularly. Assess what’s working and what’s not, and be willing to adapt your approach accordingly. Being open to adjusting your strategies can help you stay on track and overcome any obstacles you encounter.

Positive Reinforcement: Celebrate your successes, no matter how small they may seem. Recognize and reward yourself for the progress you make in practicing resilience. Positive reinforcement can reinforce the habit and motivate you to continue your efforts.

Resilience-Building Communities: Joining communities or groups focused on resilience can provide you with a support network of like-minded individuals. Engaging with others who are also working on building resilience can offer encouragement, motivation, and valuable insights.

By incorporating these strategies into your life, you can begin to bridge the gap between knowing about resilience and actively practicing it in your daily life. Remember that building resilience is a journey, and it’s essential to be patient and kind to yourself along the way.

D: I’m reminded of a book I read many years ago, Change or Die, by Alan Deutschman, that describes the challenges of personal and organizational change and how they can be addressed. It made a strong impression on me, although I regret to say that at the moment I can’t recall the details. What can you tell me about the book’s contents?

C: Change or Die: The Three Keys to Change at Work and in Life by Alan Deutschman is a book that delves into the idea that people can change their behavior even under the most difficult circumstances. 

Deutschman emphasizes the significance of three key factors—Relate, Repeat, and Reframe—in enabling individuals to successfully adopt new behaviors. These principles are geared towards fostering personal transformation and overcoming challenges through the power of community, practice, and mindset reframing.

D: I basically understand these ideas, but not fully, so I would appreciate an elaboration on them.

C: Certainly:

1. Relate: This factor emphasizes the importance of a supportive community or a network of people who share similar goals. Having a sense of connection and support from others can significantly impact an individual’s ability to initiate and sustain positive change.

2. Repeat: This factor underscores the significance of consistent practice and repetition in the transformation process. By engaging in repeated actions and behaviors aligned with the desired change, individuals can reinforce new habits and gradually solidify lasting behavioral adjustments.

3. Reframe: This factor focuses on the power of changing one’s perspective and mindset. By adopting a new way of thinking about challenges and opportunities, individuals can alter their perceptions and interpretations of their circumstances, ultimately facilitating transformative change.

This question is directed to you, my readers, rather than ChatGPT: What, if anything, in the above, is helpful to you in bridging your own knowing–doing gaps, whether you have chosen the challenges or life has given them to you?

I will be taking a break until January. In the meantime, I wish you Happy Holidays and a wonderful New Year.