The more I accept myself just as I am, the more I can change. – Carl Rogers
Carl Rogers, an eminent psychologist who founded client-centered therapy, offers a paradoxical insight—that changing ourselves begins by fully accepting who we are, which he calls unconditional positive regard, and that influencing others likewise starts with accepting them as they are.
Such self-acceptance is an important aspect of the self-care that I advocated two weeks ago.
While the importance of accepting ourselves is relatively simple to understand, it is extremely challenging to do because it requires a shift in at least one important belief that many of us hold close—that is, that self-criticism motivates change.
After all, why would we change if we felt comfortable with the status quo?
Unfortunately, I didn’t have an answer to that question, so I dug deeper into myself and what others have had to say about that subject.
Shankar Vedantam, the host of Hidden Brain, pointed to that belief in his introduction of psychologist Kristin Neff for a podcast episode on “being kind to yourself.”
Vedantam noted Neff’s claim that self-compassion is a better path to self-improvement than self-criticism, defining self-compassion as “the practice of being kind and understanding towards ourselves, even when we make mistakes….
“Kristin had discovered something important. One reason many people avoid self-compassion is that they think being harsh with themselves is the only way to improve….”
In the interview with Vedantam, Neff observes, “The belief that we need to be hard on ourselves, criticize ourselves to succeed or reach your goals or make a change is actually the number one block to self-compassion we found in the research. People are afraid that if they’re kind to themselves, they just won’t get anything done….”
In addition to the paradox of self-acceptance preceding change, another, according to Neff, is that “…the vast majority of people say they’re significantly more compassionate and understanding and kinder to other people than they are to themselves. Especially when they make a mistake or fail in some way….
“One of the first practices we teach people for being self-compassionate is to imagine that a good friend they cared about was in the same situation that they are. Because naturally, especially our close friends, the ones we care about, we tend to be compassionate to them.”
Applying this understanding in our relationships requires developing an understanding of and genuine compassion for the experiences of others and being able to demonstrate that positive regard in a way that is felt by that individual.
My challenge during this election season is being tolerant of people whose views I consider dishonest and dangerous, especially when those views are based on willful ignorance.
So, staying on the “scenic path” during this election season begins with me accepting my intolerance and recognizing that I can have positive regard for someone while rejecting their views.
That unconditional positive regard acknowledges the profound influence that families, peer groups, and communities have on our beliefs and whose gravitational pull is very difficult for many to resist. Given the conservative religious and political views of the area in which I grew up, I want to remember that if it were not for college and other experiences that broadened my worldview, I might well believe those same things. And having experienced being an outlier in my family and community, I understand why it is sometimes easier to “go along to get along.”
A primary reason for the topics I have written about in recent months is to remind myself of the understanding and skills necessary for me to stay on the “scenic path” during the political and cultural turmoil of the months ahead.
I can improve my ability to seek first to understand, practice self-care (especially savoring and experiencing awe), choose compassion over judgment, and cultivate discernment about what to accept and to resist.
I know that I have a long way to go, but I believe I can make progress if I recognize my influence over both the content and emotional tone of the conversations in which I participate.
And that may be “all” that is necessary to both preserve relationships that are important to me and perhaps occasionally nudge me and others in the direction of openness to ideas we currently reject.
What success have you had in developing compassion for others whose views are significantly opposed to your own?